Lesson #13
The Dizzying World Of Female Footwear

Men just have “shoes.” Anything that goes at the end of a man’s leg is a “shoe,” plain and simple. But women do not have mere shoes. They have subspecies for every change in footwear.

Women have pumps. And clogs and flats and slings. Heels and open-toed and flip-flops and strappy sandals. Scrunchy boots, stillettos and wedges. Men don’t know what any of these are. It’s a code they use to keep us out of the conversation.

Women know every color ever invented. Sarah’s catalog has exotic names like aspen, mauve, ecru, taupe. Seabreeze, eggshell, crimson, indigo. Khaki, beige, honeysuckle, ivory, lavander, sandstone, heather, mist, teal, satin, flax, coral, cream, nugget, pearl, saddle, daisy, black, ebony, charcoal, raven, midnight, parsley, persimmon, pineapple, periwinkle, papaya, peach, purple, pink, poppy, pixie, powder, pewter, peapod, pansy, pumpkin, puce, pomegranate, peppermint, pancake, pumpernickel, champagne (whew!) and toast.

Men’s shoes? Black and brown. Sadly for men, one choice too many. ‘Cuz a man still has to turn to her and say, “Honey, which one do I wear tonight? Come on, black or brown? Make a call. This’ll bust my brain.”